Not in Jail and Have No Dog Food

 Today my husband kept me out of jail/prison, which is why we don't have dog food.

 Yeah, that really did happen.

 We went to lunch at a favorite restaurant as part of enjoying our vacation together, and after, we decided to get some specialized iced tea (because it's really good). To get the tea, we drove past the PetSmart that we use, and on the side of the road, for a good mile at least, there were anti-choice protesters with the usual signs. Mostly middle-aged to older, all with the usual signs. I got mad and started giving them the finger as I was driving, and at a stoplight complained that it was dangerous to do so.

 My husband offered, "You drive, I'll finger them" which is a typical thing for him to say. And he did. I drove with both hands on the wheel, white-knuckling as my absolute rage built and built. Meanwhile, he rolled down the window and gave them both fingers as we drove by. I started yelling at them, answering the signs, swearing with every vulgarity you can imagine. We finally passed them and got to the tea place, where I was ranting at my husband, and he was letting me rant. I dropped the volume and was as nice as possible to the tea people, but after getting tea, I asked if he knew if we had enough dog food, as I thought it was getting low.

 This is why I love him. He KNEW that there was more than that mundane request. He asked and I confessed that yes, I would run over any of them if they got in my way and there were a lot of targets near the PetSmart. He gently reminded me that he would prefer that I not go to jail and that I would not be able to do any of the things I enjoyed if I was behind bars.

 On the way back home, he dutifully rolled down the window and gave the finger to every one of the jackasses while I drove. I realized that my reaction to them was oversized. Way oversized. Like, why are you screaming when someone said that they preferred vanilla ice cream type oversized.

 He asked me a question. "Does it make you sometimes think that I don't care, because I am quiet about stuff like this?" Here's the thing. I know that he is on my side about women's issues. I know that he understands bodily autonomy and consent. I know that he is on my side, respects and loves me.

 So, I explained where some of it was coming from.

 When I was around 25, I decided that I did not want to be pregnant, and while had been practicing safe sex, decided to get my tubes tied, as an extra precaution. Stealthing was a thing, even way back then, and I just did not want to take the chance. Multiple doctors would not tie my tubes because I MIGHT want to change my mind later, or my bloody future husband might want kids. They took no notice of my own wishes but deferred to a hypothetical husband. They did not even think about what if I was gay, or what if I was raped. It did not matter, because a possible future took precedence over my current needs and desires.

 When I discovered that I was pregnant in my late 30s, one of the things I suggested to my husband (hey look, I did end up with one!) was that he get snipped. We went to Planned Parenthood to get it done, as it was the most cost-effective option, and I calmly waded through the protesters, looking each one in the eye and defying them to touch me when they called me a murderer and begged me to think of adoption, when they told me that Jesus could save even a sinner like me, when they tried to shove inaccurate pictures of abortions onto me. During our walk into the building, through the metal detector, they never once said anything to him, even though it was super obvious that he was accompanying me.

 We went to the doctor and told them that my husband wanted a vasectomy. There were some papers to be filled in (everyone knows how it is with medical forms in the US), but they did not question his decision. The doctor did one snip, made a joke about how my husband was now “half vast” and then finished. They did not question his potential future. They did not refuse because he might change his mind on a reversible procedure. They just did it.

 Because I discovered that I was pregnant rather late (six months along), I had a very short window to make a decision. I decided to carry it to term and adopt, because at six months, it was in the third trimester, and the brain was starting to develop. That is the single worst decision I have ever made, and I regret it constantly. Not the adoption part - the giving birth part. I tried to get a better idea of what to expect and posted to a forum about how terrified I was at having that much pain, and was there a way to get knocked out so that I did not feel it.

 You would have thought I was asking to murder an entire schoolyard.

 I had a ton of people yelling at me on the forum that it was natural and that I was a horrible person for not wanting to be in pain that is considered torture. I had people telling me how horrible I was because I was giving it up for adoption, rather than keeping it. I was told that I was a terrible mother for not wanting to give birth, and a horrible person because I did not want to have yet more children. I was asked if my husband knew what a horrific thing I was doing, and if he wanted to keep it. Again, none of these people took my needs into consideration. None of them considered that I was in a pregnancy that I did not want, had never wanted, and was trying to do the best I could while in a place of absolute, abject terror.

 We read story after story about women who die during childbirth. We read about women that die because the dead fetus in them is septic but they can’t take it out because the church-run hospital won’t allow needed abortive care. We hear women who talk about how they need to not have another child because they cannot care for it, cannot afford it, cannot, cannot, can NOT.

 And it is not enough.

 The girl I gave birth to is 13 this month. I gave her to a lovely couple that was as close to secular as I could get. She is now of an age that all of this is affecting her. And she is not the only one. There are millions of girls that are going to become women, and all of them are being hit by this. Religious extremists are doing everything they can to push their god into our uteruses. They want to control us, to force us to be good little baby machines even if we want something else. We have to fight this because if we don’t, they will shove their religion where the sun don’t shine. We have to fight these forces for evil and to stay out of jail, because if we don’t, we will be forced back to the dark ages. We have to fight because bodily autonomy is so very important. We have to fight because if we don’t, we will continue to die.

 And because I do need to get dog food soon.

 - MS